Update

Okay. So I am going to be open and honest about some stuff going on here, at the risk of feeling extremely vulnerable. Not a fun feeling! Especially for a control freak.

I have been working in a job that I love for a little over a year. Spending time with kids who have been voluntarily given up by their parents. They also come from home situations where morals and values lack, and where chaos is the norm. I don't just spend time with them, but try to give them a glimpse of the peace God offers and the acceptance He offers that they so desperately look for in EVERY OTHER avenue of their lives.

I have been just and "intern" for this year. I had spent a time trying to prove myself to the higher ups and in the process I started to feel entitled to a Chaplain position... only to be CRUSHED when they passed me over when filling that particular position. My lesson was learned, as I fought through the feelings of quitting and leaving them high and dry, with out MY help and MY knowledge, and MY blah, blah, blah.

Wait just a minute!!!

It wasn't ME, at all! It was God all along and he only blessed ME, by choosing to use ME. And if I got in the way, and sought credit and felt initialed, God would only choose to use someone else... not ME! Let's face it! As soon as I decided to make it about me, God was no longer glorified and I wasn't use-able anymore!

So as soon as I understood that God knows my heart, and knows better than I... I was able to see how He had only protected me from a job that would have probably killed me! Being the Christian Education Chaplian... IS NOT THE JOB FOR ME! I see this now.

Now... there is another Chaplian job open. This one is a Youth Minister position. Full time, good pay, I qualify for the position, and there have already been some who have interviewed. I turned in a resume, out of what I think is faithfulness. But I can't help but feel... what's the word... scared. My flesh wants so desperately to guard my heart and just accept defeat, even when defeat might not be the out come. But I also don't want to spend a good part of my life wondering "what if?"

So, I plead for prayers. I covet your prayers. Please, please pray that God's will is done in this small little community called Boys Ranch, Texas. But please... MORE importantly, and even more selfishly, please pray that my heart is prepared and ready for ANY answer!

I want this SO BAD! But I don't want to want it because I feel I deserve it! Does that make sense? I want those precious little kids, and those precious little souls to have what is best for them! And only God knows who that is! I am just so scared that I won't be alba to take His answer! And I am scared that I don't have enough faith!

PLEASE... Just pray!

And know that I pray too... for you! Prayer doesn't change God... it changes us! (Ok, that last statement was a little random and had nothing to do with this post... but it's true, nonetheless! We'll save that explination for another date!)