So, I recently wrote a little article about love in our Feb. newsletter at the church. It was about how I have recently noticed that I have a hard time loving others because I have never really loved me. It sounds a little vain, and I don't mean it to be, but I really don't think we can truly know what it is like to love others as we would love ourselves if we don't even love us! Savvy?
Well... this has still been on my mind, but I have put the equation in to many different context. And now I have found that I really have a problem with forgiving.
I am always saying, "Oh, that's okay... I understand... Don't worry about it... it's all gravy baby..." and so on and so forth when others apologize to me. And I think I mean it. I mean... I think I have meant it.
But when I stand someone up on a date (plans) or when I forget to check on curriculum for another person, or when I say really nasty things to a loved one... sorry just doesn't ever cut it. I should say- SAYING sorry has never cut it. I don't FEEL forgiven until I can SHOW that I am SORRY. Really, this is what is vain.
I feel bad, so I annoy the one I have hurt with words and over compensations of actions until I feel that they have forgiven me. When really... I am only annoying them until I have forgiven myself.
It's probably not big news to anyone who knows me very well that I am VERY hard on myself. I think everyone is hard on themselves... so really I am no different than most. But I do allow myself to become overwritten with guilt, and I let it effect relationships. I will almost completely detach myself from a friendship if I ever let that person down. I just can't face them!
I know it's a pride thing. Maybe it's me being afraid to be vulnerable (which is an issue too). But I really think it's my new awareness of me. I stink at forgiving myself!
I don't know. what do you think? It sounds and feels a little... umm.. self righteous... or selfish to always be so focused on what I am doing for myself. But I truly think and feel(this is where I sound like Oprah) that not until I can practice what I "preach" in my own life, that I will be able to truly practice real forgiveness (or love for that matter).
It just seems like such a double standard. For me to forgive another and "mean" it, but not to be able to forgive myself. Then do I truly know how to forgive?
It's all you. Give me what you've got.
Monday, February 12, 2007
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6 comments:
Kara, OUCH! thanks, thanks alot.
HEy, Dody. I am sorry if I offended you in some way. I was just type rambling.
And for mom and xana who think thay might have missed out on some comments, I REALLY had to delete the spam. The first three comments were just spam comments... Driving me CRAZY!
Kara you didn't offend me in any way. I was just commenting on how you seemed to be describing me. :))
It would take a lot more than that for you to offend me. No Worries.
I can understand that. I am usually able to forgive other people for almost anything, but I have a hard time letting go of my own mistakes, I guess it's all part of the process.
at least you try. I poison my own life by holding people to such high standards that I NEVER forgive them. I hold grudges forever. Mini story: In 5th grade, Stephanie, Heather, Kristina, and I were friends. A fight went down between me and Steph and we split into two "groups". Those groups held thru high school. You would think that no one remembers what the silly 5th grade fight was about, right? Nope. I remember. And I'm still mad.
At least you try to make people feel better. I don't know what to say about you being hard on yourself... to sound cliche, knowing is the first step: being able to admit and recognize that you do something is a good place to start changing. :)
Hey Kara,
I stumbled upon a link to your blog when I was looking at Amanda Coulter's blog. I seem to find new blogs of old friends to read each day. I like this whole blogging thing. It makes me happy. I plan on making your blog another one of my regular reads. Hope you'll stop by and check out mine. Maybe even drop a comment or two.
Say hello to Luke for me!
Blessings on your day!
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